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Friday, March 25th, 2005
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5:53 am - Standing Still
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I took this week off from work and I dread going back, but it's my best option for now. I feel like I'm at a stand still in every part of my life. I recently sponsored a little girl from Kenya. That's at least one thing going well. Well, I also worked on decorating my living room--it looks fabulous. I feel very blah.
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| Thursday, March 17th, 2005
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1:42 am - Progress & Patience
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Yesterday was a coup, business wise. I filed for my city business license and I opened a business bank account. I'm starting out pitifully small, but it's a start, and I'm very ecstatic about that.
For years, I've heard myself say that the one thing I really wanted to do was buy furniture, fix it up and sell it. I finally realized that I wanted to do this more than create my fine art, then I did something about the revelation. The nice thing about this business is I'll be able to do all the things I love: create beautiful home furnishings, create fine art, deconstruct clothing, create jewelry, and whatever else my creative, talented heart desires. The sky is the limit.
Every day I will ask myself, "What can I do today to move my business forward"? Having this business makes my job more tolerable. Now I have a reason to go to work. (Funny, but paying rent, bills, and eating wasn't enough of an incentive).
Speaking of work, today will be a challenge. A very grumpy, very old woman is retiring today. I've been volunteered to organize her party. I'm a great organizer but she has been a thorn in a lot of sides, so there's been a lot of begging and arm twisting to get people to participate. That's a sad testimony for many years of service, or as one person said, "many years of disservice". Humbling thought.
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| Sunday, March 13th, 2005
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8:07 am - Sunday morning with Ella
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I love to play Ella Fitzgerald's Sunday Morning on Sunday mornings. Read the paper, have a glass of orange juice, and for a small moment in time, my life is good.
One of the nice things about my horrid job is that I'm off work every other Friday. This past Friday was my day off, so I've been enjoying a three-day weekend. I did some power shopping: at Pottery Barn, I bought the cushy, creme-colored throw for the sofa, those gorgeous swirled-crystal candleholders, and a wicker basket for my magazines. At Restoration Hardware, I thought long and hard about buying the metal "Laundry" bin (for laundry detergent), but decided I'm not ready to go that corporate in terms of my decorating choices.
Remember that episode of Friends where Phoebe, who always hated mass-produced furnishings and how they diminish individuality, caves in to the Power of Pretty at Pottery Barn? Well, deep down I've always identified with that struggle--individuality versus a beautiful, mass-produced object from a status chain store. So, I caved at Pottery Barn but drew the line at Restoration Hardware.
Yesterday, I went to Pike's Place market and got a great deal on flowers. Now my house smells gorgeous! I made a nice dinner of asparagus, chanterelles (they were horrid), salmon (Deee-lish), giant scallops (yum) giant scampi (yum-yum), and a Cab-Merlot. I know, I know, white with seafood--actually, the new rule is drink what you like; so I did. I also bought some Bee and Flower soap (rose scented) and a small print from a local artist. Speaking of art, next week, I'm meeting Tommy for a gallery opening. I hope it's fun and not weird. I'll let you know.
Speaking of knowing, it's easy to know that your life is spiralling out of control. It's harder to get help, especially when you're not feeling well to begin with. I interviewed the new therapist last week. He's more odd than most. He's about 192 years old, thin, frail, and has a LOUD, phlemmy, death-rattle of a cough--which he does frequently. I kept wondering, if I give him a chance, and I really end up liking his counseling style, what if he dies on me? What will that do for my abandonment issues? On top of that, he mumbles a LOT. I call him Mushmouth (in my head, of course). Oh, well, back to the drawing board.
But first, I'm going to take a nice, hot bubble bath with my Bee and Flower soap, put on my pink & green PJs, watch all my "Thither" videos (Emma, Sense and Sensibility, Pride & Prejudice, etc.) and continue enjoying my lazy Sunday with Ella.
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| Wednesday, March 9th, 2005
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4:28 am - Parker Posey and Phase 2
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Parker Posey is probably the most underrated actor in America.
 
She's a chameleon. She can do quirky,
elegant, junkie, you name it. For some odd reason she's not a household name. But she definitely has a dedicated fan base.
Yesterday, I got a physical and other medical exams. I also did my first workout at the gym. Various personal and professional drama prevented me from exercising, until yesterday. Thankfully, things are returning to normal. I am VERY proud of myself. Phase 2 has definitely begun. In Phase 1, I was stablizing. I found the apartment/work studio. I found "steady" employment (it bores me to tears and uses less than one-half of one percent of my abilities; but that leaves more energy for building my business, which is phase 2). One good thing about the boring job: I'm off work every other Friday, and on the way to work, I pass the most delicious and posh stores, which motivate me to get through Phase 2.
In Phase 2, I'm improving my personal image, conceptualizing business plans, writing a marketing plan, and building inventory. In Phase 3, networking both socially and business-wise. I'm selling my products. There are more phases but that's all you get for now, children.
The progeny e-mailed me. I'm still angry. Despite patient explaining, he doesn't understand why his actions were so hurtful. It's best not to talk when angry. Grown children. What a joy and what a test. Well, all relationships are. Speaking of getting better at relationships, I start seeing the psychologist on Thursday. I hope he's not another quack.
Mood today = cautiously optimistic
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| Monday, February 28th, 2005
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7:32 pm - Most Fab Oscar Dresses & Most Happy to be done with February!
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Well, weren't the Oscars just fabulous? I like the show so much more without the Rivers girls. In the beginning they were witty and gave the most delicious (read: bitchy) commentary, but towards the end they were just bad camp.
I found myself wondering what gave Joan (whose face is pulled so tight, her eyes are over her ears) and Melissa ("Help! My Daughter Has No Talent") the fashion authority to critique the stars?
Anyhoo, with the Rivers girls doing time on the TV Guide channel, we're now free to form own own opinions.
My absolute favorite gown was Virginia Madsen's. Unfortunately the best photo I could find does not do the gown or Ms. Madsen justice. Trust me: when seen live, the gown was heart stopping; an absolute stunner. Gwyneth Paltrow's dress made up for that black-spider-web gown horror (BSWGH) a few years ago. The fashionistas' attitude toward that gown is like our Jewish friends' attitude toward the Holocaust: never forget. I still say Gwyneth did it for spite. Because after all, how can a Jewish girl from Manhattan have made such a fashion faux pas? (I know: stereotype. But it's good, not bad). There's no way the goddess of fashion would have accidently made that mistake. I think she got tired of our having to live up to our high expectations. I mean before the BSWGH, the girl simply could not schlump to the corner store and buy a 40. Now we wouldn't glance twice if she stepped out of the manse with curlers in her hair, pink fluffy slippers, a cigarrette dangling from chapped lips, and Apple nursing on an exposed breast. Kidding.
Beyonce was beautiful as usual, but overexposed. Hello? Any other singers in America? How many songs did she do last night? And can we expect a girl from Dallas to speak French? What the hell was that French song she butchered last night? My ears are still bleeding.
  
Well time for this curmudgeon to take a nap, I have an early, early morning. I start my exercise program tomorrow. Pray for me, children.
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| Sunday, February 27th, 2005
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5:29 am - Oscar Night Pour Une Femme Charmante
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Ah, the one day of the year that every Queen of Fashion (male and female) waits for with bitchy, baited breath: Oscar Night.
I'd like to say that I'll be watching the Oscars with my girl-crew, but alas, it's just the Princess, her tiara, and some lovely Bellinis this year.
I plan to do the washing up (that's laundry for you Americans--sorry I seem to be channeling my inner Brit this morning), and preparing of the apartment for this long awaited night.
The glitz, the glamour, the gowns. Ahhhhhhh.
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| Saturday, February 26th, 2005
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5:20 pm - Welcome back Artist
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The weekend has been eventful. I converted my dining room to my bedroom and converted my former bedroom to my art studio + office. After a 2-year hiatus, I began working on my sculpture, Makeda, again. The sculpture has a papier mache base which I am now covering with plaster. I have not created art in nearly two years. I forgot how much I love the divine and infuriating process of creating art.
I reconciled (sort of) with the wayward son. But we are giving each other much breathing room.
I am a late fan of the Sex and the City series. (I usually hate being caught up in the hype. I like to think of myself as being beyond the status quo. However, had I watched this wonderful series with the majority of American women, my status would have definitely been quo.) I watched the last episode (on DVD) today. I briefly thought about purchasing the entire series, but that would set me back nearly $200.00. I'd much rather invest in art supplies.
For some unfathonable reason, I was asked out on two dates at a time I looked and felt my worst. I may have said this before--if I did, obvious I'm still in a state of shock. I wonder what's going to happen when I start to feel good about myself. I don't intend to go out with either man. Being asked was wonderful for the self-esteem, but I'm not ready for dating.
I am what I once loathed: a Sunday painter with a day job. I feel no shame.
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4:54 pm - You know you're a dilettante when...
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1. You speak at least three languages: one (your native tongue) better than most, and the others at the level of a five year old child.
2. Your work has nothing to do with what you majored in at college.
3. Everyone thinks you’re smart, but nobody thinks you’re brilliant (except your mother).
4. You didn’t major in math or science. Bonus points if you took astronomy to satisfy your science requirement.
5. You feel like you should have studied Greek or Latin, but you’re not quite sure why.
6. You were a three-sport athlete in high school…and a no-sport athlete in college.
7. You are the very model of a modern major general.
8. You know you would change the world if only you could live up to your potential.
9. You own more than five CDs in each of the following categories: 1. Dead white man’s music (Classical, opera, chant, etc.) 2. Not quite as dead and not quite as white man’s music (Folk, Musicals, Big Band) 3. Dead black man's music (jazz, ragtime, etc.) 4. Popular music (Rap, R&B, reggae, Rock and Roll). Subtract points if you own any Country. At all. And don't try to get all sneaky and call it Western.
10. You’re writing the Great American Novel.
11. You're in the National Guard or Military Reserve and have never been on active duty.
12. You're better at math than anyone you know, but you can't remember anything beyond trigonometry.
13. Any job looks more interesting and more challenging than your own.
14. You buy more books than you could possibly read in ten lifetimes (thanks to Jenni!). Bonus points if some of them are in a foreign language.
Source: farcicaldilettante.com/dilettante.html
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| Thursday, February 24th, 2005
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12:54 am - Say something positive, quickly!
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OK. I am down. Sure I'm down. But I can't stand all this boo-hooing. Quick. 10 good things about life in general or my life in particular.
1. I have a beautiful smile.
2. I love it when the sun shines.
3. I love the intense, euphoric, narcotic smell of paperwhites.
4. I love the smell of a freshly peeled orange.
5. I am very thankful for the colors: yellow-orange, lavendar-pink, lavendar-blue, aquamarine, and any shade of green especially chartreuse because it is a very sarcastic color.
6. When my inner light shines, people are drawn to me.
7. I have fabulous taste.
8. I am talented.
9. I am complex.
10.I have a twisted sense of humor.
Take THAT depression!!!!!!!!!hahahahahahahahahah!!!!!!!!!!!
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12:37 am - Planning is out of whack.
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What happened to the MBA path? I got accepted in not one but two great schools. But my passion for the MBA is gone. Poof. I started questioning--why am I doing this? I realized I wanted people to get really get how smart I am. But that's a self-esteem issue. Do I really need to go 100K in debt just to prove to that I'm smart?
So I asked myself, what's in your heart of hearts? What would you do if your dad plopped 300K in your lap and said, "Go live your dreams, kid"? Well, I'd buy some used furniture with good bones. I'd lease commercial space in an up-and-coming part of town. I'd buy a commercial sewing machine, jewelry components, fabric, paint and I'd create my store. In my store everything would be charming. Grandma's attic-meets-Shabby Chic-in Paris-with a funky Anglo-African twist. Hard to describe--harder to forget. I can see my dream, now how can I make it happen?
Sometimes I tell myself it's good that I'm on my own. Now I have to focus on me and making my dreams come true. Other times I just feel like my family is made up of some cold-hearted, self-involved people.
Today, I met some interesting folks. I was having an awful day, and I looked awful too but ended up getting asked out on two dates. I'm sure I'll find a way to back out of it. I'm not ready. I am in no way happy with the state my life is in, why should I invite company in?
They say the difference between French women and American women is that French women find the man first, then they make their life and American women do the opposite--we're career oriented.
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12:20 am - Regrets
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I'm only 39 and I already regret my whole life. It's 12:20 AM right now. I have to wake up and go to work at 5 AM. I haven't slept well in months. Just a few minutes ago, as I was lying in bed, I started to have a panic attack for no reason. I thought I was going to die, so I put some clothes on. It's funny really. I realized that I'm having these panic attacks because I hate my life. I hate that I made the safe choice to go to work every day at a place where my ideas and contributions are so marginalized.
I hate that I don't have the guts to take a risk, quit my job, take my wares to the flea market and sell them. I used to take big risks like that when I was 20. I got tired of seeing my world crash and burn. I got tired of living without health insurance. I don't expect a man to provide for me. I don't compromise my freedom in my personal life. Why do I do it in business?
I'm intuitive. I believe in following my intuition--I've never been wrong when I've done so. I know that the safe choice is the right choice for now, I just wish someone would tell my body that.
I have become my worst fear: that I could die in my apartment, and it would be 3 days before anyone found me. I guess that's why people stay in relationships that are horrid. I guess I'd rather die alone.
Am I supposed to be happy? Is happiness just some American marketing gimmick? Are we supposed to be happy or is that what the makers of Zoloft and Paxil want us to think? Why are so many people on anti-depressants? The World War II generation made it through without anti-depressants. They must think we're such big babies.
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| Monday, February 21st, 2005
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10:04 am - Odd Quiz--If you don't like The Simpsons and you didn't Like Dogma, you'll hate this too
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5:22 am - Quiz of the Day
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| Sunday, February 20th, 2005
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1:20 pm - On my own.
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It's official. My son hates me. What a cliche we are. At first I was angry, but now I just feel numb.
You sacrifice so much of yourself for the greater good of you child only to be confronted with your worst fear: you did screw up your child. Then you realize that's part of growing up--blaming your parents.
current mood:  disappointed
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| Sunday, September 19th, 2004
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5:42 am - Chin up
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My dearheart is having the time of his life, as expected he's very popular. Who wouldn't want to hang around a handsome, intelligent young man with good manners. While I would have preferred to raise him in a two-parent home, that just wasn't an option. But I have to say as a single mom, I did a damn fine job.
Now, I have to build a life for myself. I've finally started practicing vegetarianism (I could never do it with my son at home because I'd smell the meat and just cave). I've made some fine meals. I've done a few activities, and I'm beginning to meet people. I rather like this.
It is odd to have men approach me. Maybe they were always looking but I didn't notice. I really, really do not want a relationship. I've always been a daughter, wife, or a mother. I need to learn who I am as a single adult woman.
My journey towards finding a church remains unmet. I really miss being around intelligent, nonjudgmental, quirky, fun, joyous Christian philosophers. I have faith that I will find the right fit at the right time. In the meantime, I continue on with my studies and interests. I'm having a hard time with the concept of organized religion and it's mass-market goods and products, or Christianity, Incorporated. No problems with Christ though.
Grad school is just around the corner. I switched my start date to next month. I am so excited. The artist becomes an MBA. I can't believe it. If you knew me, you wouldn't believe it either. I live a life of Voluntary Simplicity. I detest corporate greed. But, I realize that despite the best efforts of activists, the world remains a money-motivated place. I don't love money. I love the power inherent in money. The power can be used for evil or good. I choose good.
current mood: determined
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